I am what I am

If I asked you to keep reading would you? ----------------Still here? Excellent. Thank you for complying!

This week, I have been part of a group conducting a psychological study on compliance. The base was a college canteen, which had two separate entry points, sited at either end of the room. We placed an official-looking sign in one open doorway that read ‘No Entry. Please use other door’. With no obvious reason as to why the door could not be used, and with no physical barrier to prevent its use, our aim was to observe how many people complied with the sign. Well – what can I say? I have never had so much fun observing people…

Would it surprise you to learn that many of the students DID in fact comply? Watching them head towards the door, only to spot the sign, read it, and then turn around and go completely out of their way to enter through the other door was an enlightening experience that provided valuable insight into people’s minds…and of course, it was hilarious!

If psychology has taught me anything, it’s that the hundreds of tiny little decisions we make every day – such as what door to walk through – are not really decisions at all; we are just obeying the ‘norms and values’ we have been programmed with. We are all simply puppets on a string, and society is the puppeteer! We dress a certain way, act a certain way, speak a certain way – all through a desire to ‘fit in’ and be accepted within our society. Plainly put – we are conformists.

Why do we dress in smart clothing for a job interview? Why do we instantly feel nervous and paranoid as soon as we spot a police car behind us while we’re driving? Why do we pretend to go along with a group whose views are all completely different from what we privately think? Conformity! We could go to work wearing our pyjamas with wellie boots and a top hat if we wanted to, but we don’t because, although there isn’t a law against it, it would just look weird right? Who wants to be thought of as weird...? *raises hand*

I have always felt myself to be a little out-of-step with this world. I suffer from ‘middle-child’ syndrome, familiar to many who find themselves to be just another pat of butter hidden from view beneath the individual slices of bread. It is not a reflection on my parents; they loved me the same as they did my other siblings. It is a label I put on myself I suppose, but it may have been what led me to have a strong sense of self, wanting to stand out from the crowd. As a teenager, when most of my friends’ interests revolved around the hottest boy band, the most fashionable clothes and being as pretty and popular as possible, I was a member of the Army Cadets and obsessed with WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment), to the point where I actually trained as a wrestler for a short while…when I was eighteen! I didn’t really fit in then and to be honest, I still don’t.

I am a single mother, and I like it that way. I split with my daughter’s father five years ago and have been on my own ever since, except for a brief relationship a few years ago. It was somewhat of a long-distance relationship, so we only saw each other at weekends. It lasted four months; not because I didn’t see him enough, but because I saw him too much! I couldn’t handle having someone there EVERY weekend, spending entire days and night together – it annoyed me beyond belief! When you only see your partner two days out of seven and that’s more than you can handle, you know you’re not ‘normal’.

Now it seems difference is what defines me. If I asked any of my friends or family to play word association with me, the first word to come to mind would be ‘weird’, or ‘odd’, or ‘strange’. It has become kind of a running joke between us that I am the ‘black sheep of the family’ - in fact, my mum recently bought me a pin that read, ‘I’m not weird, I’m special’. None of this upsets me however; in fact, the opposite is true, I rather relish it! I LIKE being different. ‘Marching to the beat of my own drum’, ‘going against the flow’, ‘living in my own little world’…describe me using any one of these – or all three – and you’ll receive a smile and a word of thanks from me. I am a complex person, with a head full of random, often bizarre thoughts and a variety of my own strange little ways: I have to stack all my plates with the pattern on the same side; seeing a dead animal in the road prompts me to make the sign of the cross and touch my lips (I think it’s respectful); I have to re-tidy my daughter’s room after she’s done it so everything is where I want it to be; bad news will have me feeling stressed for all of five minutes before I shrug and think, ‘it’ll all work out in the end’; I chose my lucky number to be thirteen purely because it’s known for being unlucky; if shoes are left in the middle of the floor, or askew from each other, it drives me crazy; I harbour a not-so-secret Phantom of the Opera obsession; if someone moves an ornament or picture slightly, I have to immediately move it back; to add to that, adjusting the item will involve me going to leave and continuously having to return because it’s ‘not quite right’; seeing one magpie is bad luck so I have to say ‘Morning Major’; I sometimes sing a commentary on what I’m doing; I like to dip my chips in my milkshake at McDonalds; I’m afraid of flying insects, including butterflies, ladybirds and house flies; I have an invisible circle of space around me and get annoyed if anyone/anything crosses into it; I can scare myself by thinking about there being no life after death; I have to peel off and eat the top layer of a hot cross bun before I start on the rest and I have a party trick which I call, ‘The Broomstick Trick’ (don’t ask but it’s NOT what you’re thinking! It’s a little strange though, trust me).

Glad I shared? The point is, all of the things about me that seem ‘not normal’ are the little quirks that make me who I am! I have a touch of OCD in me, I love musical theatre, and I’m a deep thinker who is very laid-back. That is a truer description of who I am than, ‘mother, in my twenties and a writer’; that could be anybody! The idea of conforming to what is considered ‘normal’ fills me with dread because I don’t want to be just like everyone else; I want to be different, I want to be an individual, I want to be ME! I’ve been weak at times and given in to the pressure to conform. I dyed my hair blonde for a year when I was fifteen because boys didn’t want a redhead for a girlfriend. In my relationship with my daughter’s father, I found myself changing who I was to please him. None of it made me happy; in actuality, it made me miserable.

Now, I am just me, like it or lump it. I do not bow to demand or not compromise my views and beliefs. I stand tall and proud and find fulfilment in the expression of who I am. I do not curtail to what others expect of me, but follow my own path to happiness. I live my life the way I want to instead of living for others.

I see so many people around me who are settling; they adhere to the blueprint of what you’re supposed to do in life: get the dream job; get married; get the perfect home for the 2.4 kids you’re going to have and live happily ever after. The reality often turns out somewhat different. Who stays in a job they hate so they can pay the bills? Who got married because they’d been with the same person for years and it just seemed like the next step? Who lives in an over-crowded, untidy house that has been taken over by the same children who are turning you from an individual into just ‘mummy/daddy’?

For some people, that’s enough for them. If that is what makes you truly happy, then great; but I’m sure for many of you, the life you are leading is not the one you dreamt of.

I have a daughter and she is the centre of my world, but before her, I was not the maternal-type. I was unsure if children would be on the cards for me – obviously it was – but I don’t see any more. Maybe I'll change my mind with time (people expect me to) but, although I love my daughter to bits, I don’t think I’d have the patience to go through it all again! I want to be able to enjoy my life once she has grown up and left home, not be tied down with more. I realise this may sound self-centred, but that’s because women are expected to want babies, lots of babies! I don’t. I also don’t see know if I'll ever get married. Not because I’m against marriage, but because I wouldn’t do it unless I could stand up there with a man I loved heart and soul and say my vows knowing it was for life. That is what marriage is for. If you’re getting married because you are comfortable with one another, don’t think you’ll do better or you’re afraid of being alone; then you might as well be doing it for the dress and the party (which sadly, some people do…). I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle; I’m holding out for Mr Right instead of Mr Right-Now. I’m sure some of you are thinking that I’m looking for the Disney fairy tale, waiting for the kind of love you only find in movies…but why not? I want someone who I can’t live without, who fills my life with romance and passion and turns my knees to jelly with one look. I want someone who I will love me unconditionally, who I can be totally myself with and tell all my secrets to. I want someone who will drive me crazy with rage one moment and crazy with desire the next. In short, I’m holding out for my soul mate. Maybe I’ll find him, maybe I won’t; but in a lifetime of marriage, there are going to be many times when it becomes so hard you’re going to find it easy to give up and walk away. If I can find someone who, even through those hard times, I know I still want to be with, then I’ll give myself to them completely. Until then, I’ll be celebrating Valentines Day as ‘Single Awareness Day’! ;-)

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we only get one short life here and that we need to make it count! Be true to yourself, chase after your dreams and believe that what you’re looking for is out there. Don’t waste the time you have by settling in life or conforming to what is the ‘norm’ if it doesn’t feel right to you. If you’re a weirdo, be a weirdo and be proud of it!

I am who I am and I have never been happier; but I know that further down my path, even more happiness lies in wait for me. I just have to believe.

I leave you with one of my favourite quotes, which reflects my philosophy of life absolutely;

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Remember…create, love, inspire!

Miss Julie xxx